5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, by Terri L. Orbuch
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5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, by Terri L. Orbuch
Read and Download 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, by Terri L. Orbuch
NEWS FLASH! Keeping a marriage successful does NOT take hard work! All it takes is making small changes over time. When the foundation of a good marriage starts to show wear, zero in on those imperfections immediately, right? Wrong. Focus on what’s going well! Enhance the good things by adding new elements that will boost commitment, passion, and fun, and you will strengthen and build upon what you already have. It’s also ok to go to bed mad! You’ll find out why in this fresh, intelligent, and upbeat book. Dr. Terri Orbuch shows how keeping a marriage healthy is, in fact, not something you have to work at. She explains how simply playing, laughing, and being a good listener will have immediate benefits, and how using her Ten-Minute Rule may be the most important action you will ever take to keeping your marriage exceptional. She debunks common marriage myths and then provides checklists, easy-to-use tips, quizzes, and take-aways on topics such as understanding a couple’s compatibility factors, fighting fair, ways to say “I love You,” relationship ruts, and reigniting the flame between you and your spouse. And you’ll find out why you shouldn’t engaging in kitchen sinking! 5 Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great is based on the findings of an groundbreaking study directed by Dr. Orbuch, and funded by the National Institutes of Health. The study, of the same 373 married couples, was begun in 1986 and continues today. Dr. Orbuch, is a renowned therapist and nationally recognized relationship expert known as The Love Doctor®.
5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, by Terri L. Orbuch - Amazon Sales Rank: #108409 in eBooks
- Published on: 2015-10-25
- Released on: 2015-10-25
- Format: Kindle eBook
5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, by Terri L. Orbuch Review "For couples in search of a relationship roadmap, this invaluable guide could well make the difference between a marriage that fails versus one that succeeds."—Ian Kerner, Ph.D., sex therapist and author of She Comes First"After 20 years of researching relationships and marriage, Dr. Terri Orbuch has put pen to paper to write 5 Simple Steps. I only want to know: What took her so long! She takes cutting-edge research from the halls of academia and applies it to the homes (and bedrooms) of married couples. She has produced a brilliant guide to marital happiness with humor, warmth and a personal touch that will inspire couples for years to come."—Scott Haltzman, M.D., clinical assistant professor, Brown University Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior, and author of The Secrets of Happy Families"Here, in a practical and inspiring book, Dr. Terri Orbuch shares her considerable wisdom and insights with couples who want to transform their marriage into the partnership they always wanted. Dr. Orbuch blends scholarly research with clinical sensitivity to provide couples with specific guidelines for reinvigorating closeness and rekindling their marriage. There are simple but powerful suggestions here for couples to follow, to benefit them at every stage of their relationship."—Thomas Bradbury, Ph.D., professor and co-director, UCLA Relationship Institute
About the Author In addition to her role as the project director of The Early Years of Marriage Project, Terri L. Orbuch, Ph.D., is research professor at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan and a professor at Oakland University. The host of the weekly “The Love Doctor®” radio show” on VoiceAmerica.com, she’s been a marriage therapist for more than twenty years. She lives in Michigan with her husband.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Chapter OneExpect Less, GetNeutralize frustrations that are eroding your relationship.One trait happy couples in my study share is that they have learned how to have realistic expectations of their spouses and marriages. To take your marriage from good to great, it’s essential to transform unrealistic expectations—the ones that rarely get met and then cause you frustration, anger, sadness, hurt, and other negative emotions— into more realistic versions that will be met.Contrary to popular belief, the biggest reason marriages fail is not conflict, lack of communication, or sexual incompatibility. It’s frustration. The first step to achieving a truly great marriage is to defuse the frustration that is eating away at the love and happiness in your relationship. Frustration creates tension that builds and eventually explodes. Enough of these explosions and you’ve got a broken marriage. Where does this frustration come from? Unrealistic expectations! By having realistic expectations of love, men, women, and relationships in general, and then realistic personal expectations between you and your spouse specifically, you can dramatically improve your marriage.In the first part of this chapter, we will look at the ten most common myths about marriage, and the reality behind each one. The simple act of dispelling myths that drive your expectations is a necessary step toward arriving at more realistic expectations and reducing marital tension. By learning what relationship research tells us about how men and women relate, behave, and think, you can approach your marriage with fresh, unbiased knowledge. Whenever I share the scientific research that debunks these common myths in my classes, therapy sessions, or workshops, people are always astounded to discover that what they’ve believed all along about the other gender, love, or marriage is just not supported by scientific facts and rigorous research. After you get rid of relationship expectations that are based on myths, rather than rooted in reality, you will see immediate, significant improvements in your marriage. I’ve seen this so many times, I no longer doubt it.In the second part of the chapter, you will examine the specific expectations you and your spouse have of each other and your marriage. I present a number of exercises that will ask you to dig deep within you and ask yourself, “What are my top personal expectations for how my marriage should work?” I will help you identify your own personal expectations from a list of the sixteen most common personal expectations of married couples that came out of my long-term study. You and your spouse will discover what is most important to each of you in your ideal marriage. You will learn how to prevent disappointment by sharing your personal expectations with your spouse so that each of you has a clear understanding of what is important to the other. My own research shows that spouses who can identify each other’s personal expectations experience greater happiness over time.When one couple from my study, Timbra and Alan, were asked at year seven what advice they would give to other young newlyweds, their answer was very typical of many happy couples:timbra: Know what your spouse wants and expects—and communicate that to each other. You can avoid a lot of fighting that way.alan: (laughing) I’ve known her since we were fourteen. You’d think I’d have a clue by now. But seriously, she’s right. We really know what our limitations are and what each other’s dreams and expectations are. The only surprises we have in our marriage are the good ones.These two are typical of the happy couples in my study who have reasonable expectations of themselves, their spouses, and their relationships—and really “get” each other. My research continues to confirm that happy couples who have such reasonable expectations experience less frustration in their marriages, and more affection, closeness, respect, trust, passion, fun, and overall well-being and satisfaction than their peers. Sounds enticing, doesn’t it?How Frustration Sabotages Marital HappinessFrustration is tension that builds up until it eventually erupts into disappointment, anger, or unhappiness. Frustration occurs when our expectations aren’t met; we think something should occur or unfold in one way, and then it doesn’t go as we planned.Psychologists think of relationship expectations much like a play’s script. Each of us is given a script early on in life for how we should act in relationships. And from this script, we also have very strong assumptions about how others should perform or respond to us. These “should” statements are relationship expectations. If our love partner meets our “should” statements or relationship expectations, then we are very happy. If he or she doesn’t meet these expectations, we become frustrated.Many of us have been taught by the media, friends, and family that our spouse should be everything to us. We learn that when two people find each other and get married, their lives should be forever intertwined. We expect our spouse to be our best friend, an excellent parent, a great lover, a good provider, a loving caregiver, a willing volunteer, physically fit, healthy, sensitive, generous, well-liked, open-minded, polite, intelligent, with similar interests, and happy to spend leisure time with us. Phew—and that’s just for starters! No one can be all that, so we really need to learn to change our expectations. When such unrealistic expectations are not met, we will feel frustrated. Bottom line: Frustration takes the fun and passion out of your relationship, and can be very corrosive over time.Instead, we need to have expectations that are realistic. Let me give you a concrete example so you can see how it works. A wife has had a run-in with her teenage son after he got home from school and is feeling as though she didn’t handle it well. She wants her husband’s input and reassurance, and she’s also realized that the boy should hear from his father. The boy is holed up in his room, and she’s seething. Here is her unrealistic expectation: that her husband will be 100 percent available to her when he walks in the door, because she’s done the heavy lifting, and now it’s his turn. She’s looking for superman. You can see what’s coming, right? When her husband arrives home, maybe he’s had his own rough day and needs her support, and is desperate for a few moments to unwind and decompress. His aloof behavior doesn’t signal that he’s unconcerned or uninvolved, but she interprets it that way and is infuriated and frustrated by his seeming lack of attention to her needs and those of the family. Now let’s rewind her scenario starting from a realistic expectation: that he will be caring, responsive, and a good listener once she has given him the heads-up about the situation, asked him directly for his help, and the two of them have blocked out a mutually convenient half hour before dinner to discuss the situation together. By expecting less, she gets more. The less you expect—when those expectations are potentially excessive and unrealistic—the more satisfaction you will get out of your marriage.John and Sue-Ellen, one of the happy couples in my study, are a good example of this. They talk a lot about eliminating unrealistic expectations when asked why they are happy in their marriage together.John and Sue-Ellen are both doctors who first met in medical school. They were both academically driven and competitive with each other, and made good study partners. They married eight years after they met. Sue-Ellen quit her job once their first child was born. “When I used to fantasize about marrying John, I saw myself with a stethoscope in one hand and a pacifier in the other,” she said. “I expected that we’d share parenting and I’d have a successful career too.” The reality turned out differently. Although Sue-Ellen enjoyed being home with her son, she describes feelings of loss, guilt, and self-judgment. “I had invested so much time and money into medical school, and here I was, singing along with Elmo on Sesame Street. I think my dad, even with his traditional values, wondered what the hell I was doing with my life.” It took several years for her to come to terms with the fact that she was a stay-at-home mom with an MD.In one interview, John nods in agreement when Sue-Ellen says, “Don’t expect that marriage or life is perfect. You need to understand that life is not a movie.” Sue-Ellen, especially, had idealistic views of marriage and how their lives together would look. In the early years, those idealized expectations created a lot of frustration and disappointment. Eventually, she made peace with her life, and she and John could relax and really appreciate the sweet family and home they had created together. They have an extremely happy and stable marriage that has lasted nearly twenty years.Stop Believing the Myths behind Unrealistic ExpectationsIt’s not easy to let go of your general beliefs about relationships. Some of them have been ingrained in you since childhood. You’ve picked up impressions about love, relationships, and marriage from movies, TV, and romance novels. You’ve formed opinions by observing the ups and downs in the relationships of your parents, family, and friends. And you’ve probably learned a thing or two about love firsthand. You may have read self-help books and highlighted key passages that rang true. And if nothing else, you’ve gleaned tips from watching Oprah and reading advice columns. Without even realizing it, you cling to strong opinions you’ve acquired about love and marriage that aren’t necessarily supported by science.
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32 of 34 people found the following review helpful. Marriage doesn't have to be hard work! By PGB Marriage doesn't have to be hard work! This is one of the first messages that popped out at me while reading Dr. Terri's fantastic new book on how to have a happy marriage. She sustains that hopeful, upbeat attitude throughout the book. If you're tired of the negative, tough-love relationship advisors from TV, you will love this book by one of America's most esteemed relationship researchers and marriage experts. I was impressed not just by the practical tips and senseible strategies, but by the fact that Dr. Terri bases all of her advice on findings from the landmark NIH-funded marriage study that's been ongoing for nearly 25 years. In other words, this is credible science backed up by years of researching and observing real married couples.I had a recent experience where I shared some of Dr. Terri's marriage tips with my book group ladies. They were riveted. For example, they were as surprised as I was by the finding that men need more compliments and small shows of attention than women do. (That's because women get lots of attention from people other than their spouses--girlfriends, family, even casual acquaintances, so they don't need as much from their husbands.) Men, on the other hand, experience real distress if they don't get this from their wives, and it can lead to marital unhappiness. So, I said to the ladies, tell your man he looks sexy in his jeans, or that he smells great, or that you love the way he smiles. WATCH WHAT HAPPENS! Could it really be that simple to make your marriage great? All I can say is, try it. It's like an instant happiness potion. Who knew it took so little?I also loved Dr. Terri's 10-Minute Rule (talk to your spouse every day for 10 minutes about anything other than the household, money, work, kids, or relationship). Tried that one with my partner too, to equally great results for both of us. We're still doing it! Don't worry, ladies. I shared with him some of the tips for making wives happy too. (Like, if you want to spark a wife's libido, take her away from the house. Studies show women are more aroused when they are in surroundings unrelated to household responsibilities like chores and kids.) He got so intrigued, he read the book too.Try the tips and exercises. Do the quizzes. Talk about it with your mate. Watch your sex life and your marriage return to the honeymoon phase. We've been together for 16 years and we're delirously happy--in a new, fresh sort of way.I just can't say enough about this guide to marital happiness. It should be on every married couple's bedside table.
12 of 12 people found the following review helpful. Highly recommended By Henk-Jan van der Klis Dr. Terri Orbuch conducted a 20 years scientific research among 373 married couples, and shares her findings. What does a happy marriage consists of? What could men and women do to renew or reignite their marriage? In 2009, 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great was published. Now, in 2015 an ebook version was issued. The message is still the same: powerful advices from the Love Doctor.After a foreword by Pepper Schwartz, Ph. D., Terri kicks off, focusing on the positives to make good marriages great. She explains her 5 steps: 1. Expect less, get more. Frustration is the leading reason marriages are unhappy. Having realistic expectations and knowing you partner's expectations keep frustration in check, and leads to marital happiness. 2. Give incentives and rewards. Frequent affective affirmation and support for your partner is key. Have daily briefings, not task-based or an overview of your agenda. True heart-to-heart communication on a personal level, day by day keeps the doctor away.3. Implement change. It's not about changing your partner, which is bound to fail. Little changes to your behaviour, a little more patience, expression of love, etc. will be more effective. 5. Keep costs low, benefits high when it comes to difficult topics as dealing with jealousy, in-laws, dividing household chores, and fights.5 Simple Steps... provide a framework for interdepency, honesty, respect, trust and safety in a marriage bound by love. Beyond the honeymoon weeks and declining sexual activity, there's a lot that can make or break a happy couple. Quizzes, exercises, self-assessments and assignments to both readers and their partners provide resources for self-reflection and practice. Research-based tips, eye-openers, busted myths, statistics, and entertaining trivia about marriage and love are the add-on to this toolkit. Highly recommended.
22 of 26 people found the following review helpful. Sage Advice for Enhancing Marriages By John H. Harvey Orbuch's new book is filled with advice about concrete steps to take to enhance the quality of a marriage. Orbuch herself is a leader scholar of close relationships, being a university professor (Oakland University and University of Michigan), and having directed for over two decades the Early Years of Marriage Project begun in the 80s by the late Joe Veroff. She is a distinguished researcher, therapist, teacher, and national media personality (known as "The Love Doctor" on her syndicated radio show). So she knows this subject matter very well, and in this book presents her knowledge in an extremely lucid and compelling manner.The book is made more credible by the judicious use of reports of relevant research (many of which are thoughtfully set off in boxes from the text). Central to the lessons taught in this book is that every little act counts in a marriage. The reader learns to be more aware and to appreciate the dynamics of closeness that are on display in almost every marital situation. The reader learns about the importance of routinized acts (such as a short getting to know your partner) each and every day. The book is a well-written,-edited read and is so engrossing and challenging (can all these marriages really be saved?) that it could be read in one evening.Overall, what one comes away with from reading this book is the author's abiding hope, passion, and desire to understand the processes that affect long-term closeness in relationships. Orbuch strongly communicates these qualities and in so doing tells a number of interesting, instructive stories about persons whom she and her colleagues have interviewed, and even about events in her own marriage of almost twenty years. Early on, she notes her position that most marriages can be preserved and made better. However, she points to a reasonable caveat that marriages involving significant physical or emotional abuse are likely beyond the purview of this book, and that persons in such situations should seek professional help. True to her over-arching optimism, even in such situations, she suggests a person can have hope and deserves to find happiness in a close relationship.As a teacher in this area for over three decades, I wish that this book had been available long ago to recommend to the countless students asking for a reader friendly primer to give to their partner, parents, or friends. It is a book that would be a wonderful book for a book club to use and debate. I doubt that readers will agree with all of Orbuch's major points. For example, one could approach this topic by arguing that there likely are types of marriages other than those involving abuse in which the partners need to recognize that there isn't hope to continue. Possibly the partners were so ill-suited personality-wise, or otherwise, from the outset that reconstructing the marriage is a super-human task. Perhaps they are too ravaged by a trauma such as the loss of a child that there just isn't a way to move beyond hurt,pain, and anger to form a viable future. Interestingly, I bet Orbuch would counter-argue such examples, and I bet one can find many avenues of logic in her book to support such a counter-argument. Nonetheless, such issues are illustrative of the types of relationships dilemmas that groups might explore via the use of Orbuch's book.In the half-century of relatively high divorce rates in the U.S., scholarly and self-help writers have had little impact on reversing divorce rates. Orbuch's book represents a solid shot at providing practical and wise information and perspective to help people who want to make their relationships work.John H. Harvey, University of Iowa
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5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, by Terri L. Orbuch
